


Bring him home

by Subaruchan192



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Coping, Established Levi/Erwin Smith, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, IT'S VERY SAD, Levi cries, Levi mourns Erwin's death, Levi says good-bye to Erwin, M/M, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Post-War, farewell, kind of, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: “Hello, Erwin,” he whispered with a sad, but soft voice, when he entered the attic. Soft sunbeams shone through the roof and dust floated as little particles in the air.Erwin still rested on the bed or rather what was left of him. His flesh had been eaten away by time and bugs, making him part of the everlasting circle of life; only his bones remained.The green cloak with the wings of freedom that covered his face was torn and the colour faded where the sun had shone on it, making it look almost yellow.“I’m sorry that it took me so long.” With a sigh, he slid down onto the floor next to the bed who was still whole by a miracle. “A lot of things have happened since we’ve last spoken.”~*~After the war against the Titans has ended, Levi sets out for his final quest: to bring Erwin home.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	Bring him home

**Author's Note:**

> It's the first time I write out of Levi's POV and then, I immediately go for his coping after the war with Erwin's death. Right for the challenge, huh?
> 
> well, I definitely made myself cry and I could only read through it once, so please forgive me if there are still some mistakes.

It was the hardest ride of his life, though not of the reason you likely expected. It wasn’t dangerous, not even difficult or long, it was just _hard,_ but Levi knew he had to do it _._ It had taken him years, but now it was time.

Levi’s heart was heavy as he rode through streets, which slowly came alive, reviving long dead districts. Some people greeted him, others nodded and some looked suspiciously at him. Most, though, didn’t even notice him. Not that Levi cared. He had always found the title of being humanities strongest annoying and troublesome. It was a shining, polished title given by those who had never seen the darkness and had no idea what price he had to pay for it; _how many had to die for it_.

The world was at peace and not in need for heroes anymore; neither the mighty nor the fallen ones; and humanity forgot about the many nameless graves their new life and hopes were built on.

Idiots, all of them. They all lived contently in their comfy homes, while many of Levi’s comrades never had the chance to even return. Earlier, Levi would have despised them, stabbing them with ice-cold gazes, but now, he was even too tired to feel the grudge who had accompanied him like a shadow or a loyal friend all of his life.

No, the opinions of those morons meant nothing to him.

Most opinions had never meant anything to him. Except for one, but the warm, melodic voice was nothing but a faint, whispered memory dancing along with the wind. He tried to hold onto it, desperately trying to remember it, but it slowly disappeared from his mind.

His heart ached each time he looked to the side only to see no one was riding beside him. That there was no hair shimmering like gold in the warm light of the sun, no eyes in the colour of the ocean scanning the surrounding thoughtfully.

When they had reached the ocean for the first time, everyone had been overflowed by euphoria, eager to feel the water teasing their skin. Levi had seen their happiness and had been glad for them to experience it, but it hadn’t reached his own heart. The sight of the endless blue had made him rather melancholic as he had blinked against the blazing reflection of the sun in the water.

The one who had wanted to see it the most hadn’t been with them. His footprints had disappeared from the earth just before the goal and now, slowly, the wind was wiping them away.

Ever since Erwin was gone, Levi had felt lost; as if the world had begun to spin faster when it should have stopped turning and he almost couldn’t endure it. All those years he had kept his feelings locked away behind doors as massive as the Walls, but ever since the attempt of reconquering Shiganshina he felt…shaken up. As if his heart couldn’t contain all those emotions which were bursting out of his depths and their flood was ice cold and dark.

It was an unsettling feeling and all he wanted was to hide in Erwin’s arms like a weak, pathetic child, but he couldn’t anymore and that made the bog of darkness even deeper inside him.

An everlasting, endless circle.

Every time they had went on another expedition it had reminded him of Erwin and it had made him painfully aware that he wasn’t with them anymore. Often enough he had felt as if he had heard his voice or saw him in the corners of his eyes. He had turned around, in foolish hope, only to be disappointed again. It had torn him apart.

And after Hanji had sacrificed themselves for the greater cause, it had all felt senseless. A heart could only take a certain amount until it broke forever and the Survey Corps had taken everything he had ever cared for. Now, he felt empty even though they achieved everything they wanted or maybe _because_ they did.

He had to walk away, before he was going to hate everything they had achieved.

Before he was going to hate Erwin’s legacy. It would feel like betraying what they have shared.

Levi sighed heavily, but with faint relief when he left the livelier part of the cities behind and rode through the gate, the massive Wall standing like a monumental above his head. Levi wasn’t sure if he would ever ride through it again. If he was going to return.

First, he had to close this chapter before he could decide where to go next.

Ruins of houses towered left and right to him, stones crumbled to the ground, roofs torn apart.

Levi saw echoes of the past in front of his eyes. He saw children playing and laughing, running over destroyed streets in front of him, before they scattered into particles. He saw market stands at the side, people trading and how all of it came to halt the moment the Colossal Titan looked over the Wall, but none of it was real.

Levi shook his head to discard all those thoughts and to focus.

He knew the path to the house where they had left him well. He had walked it hundreds of times in his dreams.

The closer he came the more memories of that day came alive in front of his eyes and with them the feeling of desperation. Reality and memories began to blur as he rode over the former battleground. He heard the shouts of the Beast Titan and the new recruits, the crashing of rocks into houses and smelled the acid scent of despair in the air.

Levi turned his black stallion Raven right to the place where it all had ended and dismounted him. There were still a few splinters of the wooden box in the grass on which Erwin had sat and Levi knelt down on the exact same spot he had back then and touched the grass.

When had it all gone wrong? Why had it all gone wrong? Why had it ended like this?

Levi had thought about those questions many times. If there had been anything, he could have done to change the outcome. If he shouldn’t have told Erwin to lead the new recruits and himself to hell and promised him to kill the Beast Titan.

It had been the hardest words Levi had ever spoken, but he had known that Erwin had needed to hear them. He had looked so relieved. As if Levi’s order had freed him from the chains of his selfish wish and allow him to die like everyone else saw him except himself.

Levi still wasn’t sure which perception was the right one or if there was a wrong one. Maybe he was both of them.

A lot had been lost here.

Much more had been lost afterwards, but Erwin had been right. He had been replaceable. Hanji and Armin had been more than capable successor.

But Erwin hadn’t been replaceable for him.

Levi still couldn’t exactly tell when it all had begun. When his hatred had turned into something _different_. He had wanted to kill Erwin, because he had blackmailed Levi, Furlan and Isabela into joining the Survey Corps, he had used them to regain the finances for the expeditions and had been the reason why the only other human beings he had cared for had died.

It wasn’t that Levi was naïve. He knew that death was always close to them, but if he was honest it had felt good to have a scapegoat, a person who he could unleash his pain and anger on and Erwin had accepted it.

But it was also true that Levi understood why Erwin had done it. That he had to do it. That was one of the main reasons, why Levi had stayed and decided to follow Erwin and only Erwin. He hadn’t cared about the Survey Corps or anyone else, but he had seen that Erwin wasn’t blinded by moral. War was brutal, hard, unfair and unkind and couldn’t be won if you weren’t willing to leave moral aside. To do what needed to be done.

Erwin had understood it and hadn’t shied away from despicable measures or from taking high risks if they were the only possible way.

Erwin had been the only person worth his loyalty.

“It’s strange how our first meeting and good-bye mirrored,” Levi whispered as if he was still sitting there, as if he could hear him and stroked over the patch of grass where the box had stood. “When you caught us, you knelt down into the mud so that we were on the same eye level and here, I knelt down in front of you. For the first and last time to show you my respect.”

For a few more minutes, he stayed there and watched the faint image of Erwin. He had wanted to take his hands back then. To offer some comfort, before he would ride into a suicide mission, but he knew this gesture wouldn’t have changed anything.

“At least you died as the person you were, freed from the basement’s whispered curse.”

One last time, Levi patted the spot and got up. He walked back to Raven, who was grazing. The stallion raised his head and welcomed Levi back with a soft snort, before he nuzzled through Levi’s hair as if he was able to feel how sad Levi was.

“Thank you, boy.” A small, fragile smile appeared on Levi’s lips and Raven rested his snout into his open palm, while the former soldier leanedhis head against his, enjoying the offered comfort for a moment.

Then, he pulled away and climbed onto his back. His journey wasn’t over yet. He still had one last thing to do.

The grass of the meadow was green and fresh, a few sprinkled flowers dancing like dots nestled within it. Nothing reminded of the damage the rocks had caused.

Raven neighed sadly, when they rode past the spot where the Beast Titans’ boulder had hit Erwin.

“You miss Phoenix, don’t you, Raven?” Levi asked and clapped his neck. “I do, too. He was a good horse. Loyal and brave till the very end.”

Raven nodded as if he understood his rider’s word. Maybe he did. 

A few minutes later Levi reached his final destination. The house in which they had left Erwin’s dead body was a ruin; half unroofed with blind windows and a broken door.

Quietly and with a heavy heart, Levi slid out of the saddle.

For a moment, he hesitated, not completely sure if he could endure the sight and the feelings it would reawaken, but he wasn’t doing this for him. He took a deep breath, steeled himself and walked in.

The stairs creaked under his boots and Levi had to avoid several gaps as he climbed up the ramshackle construction.

“Hello, Erwin,” he whispered with a sad, but soft voice, when he entered the attic. Soft sunbeams shone through the roof and dust floated as little particles in the air.

Erwin still rested on the bed or rather what was left of him. His flesh had been eaten away by time and bugs, making him part of the everlasting circle of life; only his bones remained.

The green cloak with the wings of freedom that covered his face was torn and the colour faded where the sun had shone on it, making it look almost yellow.

“I’m sorry that it took me so long.” With a sigh, he slid down onto the floor next to the bed who was still whole by a miracle. “A lot of things have happened since we’ve last spoken.”

With that, Levi began to tell Erwin everything that happened after his death. It was a rather emotionless, more of a military report, because his voice was already trembling and Levi feared he would break if he allowed to let a flicker of emotions slip into it.

With every word that left his lips, Levi noticed just how much he was missing Erwin, how much he had meant to him and his throat became tighter.

Maybe he was slowly becoming insane from all the grief and mourning he had forbidden himself, but sometimes he believed to hear Erwin’s chuckle or responds within the wind.

“So…we did it. There’s peace. Quite unbelievable, isn’t it?” A dry, crippled laugh escaped him and in an old habit, he wanted to look at Erwin over his shoulder, but quickly turned his head away, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t endure the sight of the bones.

“When you died, you took a piece of me with you, I hope you know that. I never was quite same again.” A sniff escaped him and he wiped the brimming tears out of his eyes. “I tried to stand unshaken amid this crashing world, but I couldn’t. Everything felt so broken and empty. Nothing made sense anymore.”

Levi took a deep breath, trying to control the emotions coming back to the surface, but it became harder with every moment.

“There’s nothing I regret in my life except...” He bit his lip. A tear ran down his cheek, glistening like a crystal in the light of the sun and Levi clenched his hand into a fist until his nails bit into his palm and drew blood. “Except that I never told you that I love you.”

With that Levi turned around. Erwin deserved that he said it to his face. Slowly, he grabbed the hem of the cloak and pulled it down, a little afraid of what he was going to see. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest, more tears now following the trail of the first and he sobbed, when he saw the naked skull.

Nothing of his blonde hair or those incredible, blue eyes was left. Nothing of the skeleton reminded of Erwin anymore except for the missing right arm. He could be any nameless soldier and that pained him.

It felt like he was losing him completely, now.

“I loved you so much. I love you so much.” With a trembling hand he reached out and cupped the cheekbone, his thumb brushing it tenderly. “Please, forgive me I was never able to tell you. Please forgive me I couldn’t be brave.”

He took a deep breath, trying to push the flood of emotions back behind the leaking door.

“Though you likely knew, didn’t you? You always knew everything.” Levi tried to laugh, but it failed completely. The longer he looked at Erwin the more the pain of grief filled his heart and he didn’t know how to handle it. He had kept his emotions away for so long, he had never really learned how to, but it had always been different with Erwin.

Erwin had been the only one who had seen him and not the symbol he had become. Maybe, because he had carried the same burden. He had understood Levi, comforted him and for the first time in his life, Levi had felt as if he could be who he was.

“I miss you. I miss you so much.” Tears veiled his gaze as he looked down at the remains of the person who he had held dearest. “But you’re slowly beginning to disappear. I can hardly remember how you looked like or the sound of your voice.”

His hand clenched into the worn out, mouldy sheet on which Erwin was bedded.

“I can’t lose you, Erwin. Not again, not forever. So please, tell me you aren’t dead. That it was just a part of one of your greater plans. I…I…” Levi’s voice broke and he whimpered, hurling himself together, his strength suddenly gone. “I don’t want this fucking peace without you. I can’t endure it without you. It feels wrong. _I_ feel so lost. Please, Erwin, please, I’ll do anything to get you back. Please tell what I need to do and I’ll do it. Just come back, please. Come back to me!”

Levi had never felt this weak and fragile in his life. He was devastated, heartbroken and just for once wished for a miracle in this fucked up world. That for once death wasn’t permanent. That he was allowed to be happy, because Erwin had been his happiness and his peace. All he had ever cared for. All he had ever fight for.

“Please, Erwin, please, just don’t be dead. Don’t leave me alone. Not you, too. I can’t endure this anymore. I can’t.”

And with these words, the admitting that it was too much and that he couldn’t handle it, everything crashed. His composure, his barricades and his world.

Because Erwin was his world and without him it had come to a hold. He had continued fighting to forget the pain and to fulfil Erwin's wish, but now, there was no purpose left anymore. Levi no longer knew what to do with himself and everything he had had to endure overwhelmed him.

He leaned his head onto the mattress right next to the remnants of Erwin’s hand and cried the tears he had forbidden himself to cry for so long, allowing himself to finally mourn and to say good-bye.

He didn’t know for how long he had cried when his sobbing and begging turned into soundless, shallow gasping for air and his stomach hurt, while everything inside of him was bleeding.

Wasn’t he supposed to feel better?

“Levi…,” a soft voice whispered from behind him. Levi swirled around and his eyes widened.

“Erwin,” he gasped in surprise. A translucent, shimmering vision of Erwin was standing on the other side of the attic, bathed in warm sunlight.

“It’s good to see you again.” Erwin smiled tenderly and his eyes were as beautiful as the very first sight of the ocean.

“Are you…” Levi stumbled over his own voice. Levi wasn’t sure what to feel. On the one hand he was beyond happy to see him again, but on the other hand he was so afraid of letting him go once again and what it would do with him. “Are you truly here?”

“No, I’m afraid not.” Erwin shook his head. “I’m only a manifestation of your heart’s wish, but does it change something?”

“No…” Levi sighed and pulled his hand away which had inevitably reached out for him. He was too afraid that Erwin would disappear the moment he touched him. “No, it doesn’t. I’m just glad that you’re here. That I’m able to see once again, to hear your voice.”

He looked back up; the strong mixture of emotions shimmered for once in his steely eyes.

“Lev…” Erwin took a deep breath, his voice faltering for a moment from the intensity of Levi’s emotions, the beloved nickname nothing but a whisper.

“I love you, Erwin,” he said, his voice a little steadier, but he didn’t dare to look at him. He felt vulnerable and fragile like a child. “I always did.”

“I know.” Erwin knelt down in front of him. His eyes were the most manifested part of his, maybe because Levi remembered them the most as he had often lost himself in the colour play of blue and green and they were still as enthralling. “I love you, too.”

“I’m so sorry, Erwin,” it suddenly burst out of him as he couldn’t keep in any longer, but fell silent when Erwin shook his head.

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Levi,” he said softly and cupped his cheek. The touch was faint, barely feelable. Rather as if Levi’s body remembered how the touch of Erwin’s hand would feel like.

Still, Levi leaned into the palm, desperately trying to absorb as much of it as he possibly could, before his cheek would be cold again.

“I sent you into your death, I gave Armin the serum. I could have _saved_ you.” He sniffed. “I’m always making the wrong decisions and the people I love have to die because of it.”

“You did no such thing, love.” Tenderly, Erwin brushed his thumb over his lips. “I asked of you to make this decision, because I couldn’t. If it’s anyone’s faults, it’s mine.”

“No, Erwin…,” Levi began to protest, but Erwin shook his head.

“I’m grateful you decided that way,” he interrupted him and knelt down onto his heels, cupping both of his cheeks. “You allowed me to rest, to sleep. You set me free. Let me die how I always wanted to, before I might have turned into a monster.”

Distress was reflected in Erwin's dark blue eyes.

“You never would have,” Levi exclaimed and took hold of his hands, his own shivering.

“I was at that crossroad several times,” Erwin replied with a weary smile. “You always pulled me back from the edge, reminded me why I was doing this, why I _should_ be doing this when I was about to get lost in my determination. Your voice called me back. I never wanted to disappoint you.”

“You never have and never would have,” he assured and squeezed Erwin’s hand. “I knew the most, but not even I could fully grasp how heavy your burden was.”

“I didn’t carry it alone. I loaded a lot of it onto you.”

“And I carried it willingly.”

“I know, but I still am story and I want to apologize.” Sad, deep blue eyes looked at him, while he stroked his fingers under his raven-black hair. “You’ve suffered and endured so much.”

“Erwin…”

“I’m sorry I asked so much of you. I…”

“Erwin…,” Levi repeated, louder this time and Erwin stopped. “It was my own wish to follow you. I did because I believe in you, besides the fact that I love you.”

For the first time in years, Levi felt a little smile tugging at the corners of his cheek.

“You were the best commander mankind could have asked for. Hanji and Armin are, too, because they learned from you. They learned that sometimes we need to do cruel things to see the light.”

Erwin nodded, though he didn’t seem completely convinced, but Levi saw that he had something else on his heart.

It surprised Levi how well his heart remembered Erwin; how it was able to recreate all those subtle, little habits of his. How he pursed his lips, when he thought of how to say something, how he furrowed his brows or wrinkled his prominent nose. It was so real that Levi almost forgot that all of this was happening inside his head, that it was only his heart’s attempt to save him, before he became insane.

It only told how close he had looked at Erwin, didn’t it?

“Can I still ask for one more thing?”

“Of course.” Levi nodded. “Anything, Erwin. Tell me what you need.”

“Please, let go off me.”

“What, no!” Stunned, Levi shook his head. “Erwin, I can’t.”

Again, there was that bottomless feeling of powerlessness. He couldn’t let Erwin go. He didn’t _want_ to leave Erwin behind. He was the only good thing in his life. The only thing that gave meaning to all the suffering and pain. Because of which all this shit felt somewhat just.

If Erwin left, slipped away, then he would have to face all those feelings he had repressed for so long.

“Your pain can’t help you.” Erwin smiled softly, but a little bit of sadness flickered in the corners of his mouth as he caressed Levi’s cheek. “So, dare to let it go. Your life is waiting for you out there, please don’t let it go to waste.”

“Erwin…” Helplessly, Levi shook his head, his mouth standing open. “Please don’t…”

“I can make it my last order, if that is of any help.” Erwin sighed. “But I would prefer it if you do it for yourself. Levi, you have always lived your life for others, enduring so much suffering and pain so that they can continue to smile and dream, but you are free, now. It’s time for you to finally live your own, because, Levi, your life is worth just as much. _You_ are worth it.”

“Erwin…” Levi took in a shaky breath and his lips began to tremble again.

“Please, don’t let me become your new chains. I’d never wanted that. All I ever wanted was for you to be free.”

“You were never my chains or my burden, Erwin, when will you finally understand that,” Levi almost shouted and Erwin startled, his eyes blown wide. “I love you! I love you more than the sake of the world. I couldn’t care any less if humanity is free or not. All I cared for was to help you achieve your dream and I failed with that. I…I let you down and now, I cannot even fulfil that.”

Levi slumped down and slammed a hand against the bedframe with full strength so that it shivered and a dull, pulsating ache echoed through his hand.

“I don’t ask of you to forget me,” Erwin said. Tenderly, he enclosed his hand around Levi’s and kissed it. “I’m too selfish for that. I just want you to leave the past and the guilt behind. To learn how to smile, to let other close without being afraid. I’m not the only one who loves you. There are others who care for you.”

“I can’t…” Just the thought of letting go of all the feelings he had hold onto, the only connection he had left to Erwin, was scaring. “Not without you.”

“Lev…” The soft, warm voice tore him out of the spiral. Erwin had moved a little closer to him and when Levi looked up all he could see was the endlessness of an ocean. “I will always be with you.”

A broad hand rested itself onto Levi’s heart.

“Erwin…”

“I love you, please learn to love yourself.” With that Erwin leaned forward and kissed him and Levi’s eyes fluttered shut. The touch of the trusted lips and his scent were faint. There was not much left that kept him here, now that his heart began to let him go. “Good-bye, Levi. I’ll wait for you.”

When Levi opened his eyes again, Erwin was gone. Levi lowered his eyes in sadness, resting his hand onto his chest where Erwin’s had rested mere seconds ago.

“Good-bye, Erwin,” he whispered with a heavy voice. A warm breeze came through the open roof and ruffled through Levi's hair like a hand.

He smiled tentatively, wiped away the salty traces of his tears before standing up and his gaze wandered to the skeleton with a soft, melancholic smile.

“I think it's time I bring you home, Erwin.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what do you think? 
> 
> It just kinda bugged me that they left Erwin there, though it's better than what most got, of course. :(
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Have a nice Sunday, Subaru. =)


End file.
